5 Reasons Why You’re Unable to Forgive Yourself
To forgive yourself is to let go of anything or anyone that doesn’t suit or bring contentment to your life.
One of the most important issues that we all face in life is the question of forgiveness. “What is forgiveness?”, “How can I forgive myself?”, “Why do I have to forgive?”, “How long does it take to forgive?”
To understand what forgiveness is, it’s necessary to clear the ground of false substitutes and wrong ideas of forgiveness. So what forgiveness is NOT?
1. Forgiveness is Not Forgetting.
Many times we hear the words “forgive & forget”. When you forgive you heal. But when you forget that means that the lesson that needed to be learned has also vanished.
2. Forgiveness is Not Avoiding The Issue.
It is not making light of something we find hurtful. By avoiding the issue, you create a bigger hole, and as a result, you are just hurting yourself more.
3. Forgiveness is Not Justifying The Other Person.
It is not denying that the one who caused the hurt is responsible for their actions. C.S. Lewis says “If one was really not to blame, then there is nothing to forgive.” In that sense forgiveness and excusing are almost opposites.
What is it then?
So, to forgive is to accept the miracle of a new beginning. It’s to start where you are, not where you wish you were, or the other person was. It is to hold out a hand; to want to renew a friendship or relationship. To forgive means literally to let go and release the person.
So after clearing the air up, here are 5 reasons why you’re unable to forgive yourself:
1. Your focus is on your anxieties and not on the possibilities of freedom.
Sometimes we don’t realize that we are one decision away from freedom. Because we focus so much on the things that bring us anxiety.
This is such a deal-breaker because we go through life seeking, and looking for ways to be free without finding it. Until we realize that we need to change our focus from our hurts and anxieties we can never be truly free.
Imagine a dog who’ve been caged for years, and one day it finally comes to that he’s free to get out of the cage. What does the dog do? He will remain in that cage even though he is free to go.
The cage has been its reality for years. He doesn’t know what life is anymore outside the cage. The cage is all the dog could focus on. But he is free to go, why doesn’t he get out?
To forgive yourself, you have to learn to shift your focus from your struggles to your possibilities. Yes, it hurts and you might think no one understands. But until you make the conscious decision of surrendering your anxieties to God, and start focusing on all the good things in your life, you will never find true freedom.
2. You do not want to let go.
Another reason why you are unable to forgive yourself is because you do not want to let go. Let go of the hurt, release the specific person or your past. You just don’t want to let go.
Wouldn’t it be great if we never had to say goodbye? Or if the hurt never existed… Wouldn’t it be great if we never had to go through a rough and difficult past?
I know it would. But unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.
We will always face difficulties throughout our lives. And when we do, it’s important to look for a lesson to learn. When we find a lesson in every difficulty, letting go will come naturally. There is a purpose for everything in our lives. Nothing is a coincidence. Sometimes it’s you that is holding yourself back. Because you want to hold unto the very thing that is hurting you.
Why not let it go?
True maturity is accepting that there are things that we cannot force. It is to accept situations that we no longer can control.
Did you know, when you cut flowers that died, new flowers will bloom?
To forgive yourself is to let it go. Anything and anyone doesn’t suit your life and your purpose. It is to find freedom in new possibilities.
3. You do not want to accept your mistakes.
A psychologist named; Jason Moser studied the neural mechanism that operates in people’s brains when they make mistakes.
He found out that when people make a mistake the brain will spark and grow.
“When teachers ask me how this can be possible, I tell them that the best thinking we have on this now is that the brain sparks and grows when we make a mistake, even if we are not aware of it, because it is a time of struggle; the brain is challenged and the challenge results in growth” – Jason Moser
I found this to be very interesting. Just as our brain grows when we make a mistake, we will also grow as human beings mentally when we make mistakes.
Mistakes teach us, it builds characters and brings new experiences to our lives. By not accepting your mistakes and learning from them. You will find yourself going through the same hurtful situations over and over again, until you learn.
To forgive yourself is to accept that you are not perfect. You make mistakes, but these mistakes will help you grow as a person of strong character. And as a result, your life can become an example for others looking up to you.
4. You do not want to forgive others.
The miracle of forgiveness is this:
A willing sacrifice is required… He or she must sacrificially absorb the evil… There is a mysterious alchemy whereby the victim becomes the victor… I do not know how this occurs. But I know it does… Whenever this happens there is a slight shift in the balance of power in the world. – M. Scott peck.
We are members of a fallen race; this means that justice is always flawed. If you look around in your life, in your country, and even in family members, justice is defective. We are constantly in a fight for justice because there are so many injustices in the world.
However, we are not to take revenge into our own personal hands. To meet evil with evil is a defeat for ourselves.
What should we do then?
When somebody hurts you, you have to be able to accept that you do not need the apology you deserve. But you can forgive and move forward with your life.
To forgive yourself is to forgive others when they have done you wrong. Without looking for ways to pay evil with evil. In the end, it is you that will lose because you have tried to take revenge in your own hands. Forgive yourself, for trusting and putting yourself in situations that have hurt you so badly.
5. You have a victim mentality.
Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be free?
It’s sad to see people dwelling years after years in the same situation just because they are not willing to let go of their self-pity. People with a victim mentality will blame everything and everyone for their condition. Without realizing that it’s them that are holding themselves back.
There’s a quote that says; the victim mentality will have you dance with the devil, then complaining that you’re in hell…
This is one of the reasons why you can’t forgive yourself. It’s easy to play the victim… Victims don’t have to change.
So let me ask you, do you really want forgiveness? Do you really want to heal?
To forgive yourself is to change the mentality of everyone is wrong. And see that sometimes it is you that needs change. Nobody can change you, only you can decide to change.
People may have hurt you, but ultimately it is you that have decided to stay in that situation long term. So decide today that you want to let go of seeing everyone as the bad guy, and forgive yourself for holding unto situations for so long. Decide that you want to change for the better.
Conclusion: 5 Reasons Why You're Unable to Forgive Yourself
The good thing about life is that nothing is permanent. Not even your struggles and difficulties. You may cry at night, but the sun will shine for you in the morning.
If you want to find freedom and grow to be the person God created you to be, it’s important to conquer all your fears. And deal with everything that is holding you back.
Don’t be afraid to forgive yourself. You have fallen down, but now it’s time to get back up. Forgive and let go. Release the people that have done you wrong. Give yourself a chance to find healing and clarity.
You deserve to be happy and free. Don’t hold yourself back but decide today that you are stepping into the greatest season of your life.